we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
