You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
