i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
