it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
