Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
P.S. I can't hear my feet
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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