I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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