there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
