kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
