That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
