you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
