alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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