I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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