The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
