I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
