You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
