Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
