We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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