my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
