I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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