I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
