I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
