Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
