I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
