my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
