Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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