when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
