i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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