Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
thus making me awesome and them whores
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
