is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
