I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
