considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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