I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
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