Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
