U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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