I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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