Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
