She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
