just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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