i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
