Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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