Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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