If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
