My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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