Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
