I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
