Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
