i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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