You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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