I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
