So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
