my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
